


Pearl: open memo

by placentalmammal



Category: Homestuck, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Humor, Pesterlog, SBURB
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 08:42:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5620576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/placentalmammal/pseuds/placentalmammal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steven, Connie, and all the Gems play Sburb; Pearl attempts to herd cats.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pearl: open memo

**Author's Note:**

> Giveaway prize for [itsadonigma](http://itsadonigma.tumblr.com/), only a few days late!

rosesKnight [RK] opened a memo on board Official SBURB Strategy Discussion (Board 1).

RK: I just wanted to go ahead and start an official memo to discuss our strategy for the game.  
stevenGuy [SG] responded to memo.  
SG: thats a great idea pearl!!!!!!  
RK: Thank you, Steven!  
purplePuma [PP] responded to memo.  
PP: alright heres our strategy: kill minions get grist  
RK: They’re called imps, Amethyst. We’ve been over this.  
PP: sorry some of us have been too busy killing minions to learn the lingo  
familiarFalcon [FF] responded to memo.  
FF: I think it would be a good idea for everyone to be using the same terms, so we’re all on the same page.  
PP: but like  
PP: if you know what i mean  
PP: and i know what i mean  
PP: then like who even cares  
RK: Amethyst, the game manual clearly states that the low-level enemies are called ‘imps,’ not ‘minions.’  
certifiedKindergartener [CK] responded to memo.  
CK: i was not informed that there was a manual  
RK: I sent it out as an attachment three weeks ago, with clear instructions to familiarize yourself with it before we started the game.  
CK: i received no manual  
RK: If you checked your email more than once a month, maybe you would have seen it!  
CK: first: email is a primitive form of communication and i will not deign to use it or acknowledge files sent or received by that method  
CK: second: i hardly think you have the authority to be issuing commands  
SG: aw guys lets not fight :((((  
RK: This is not a fight, this is a discussion!  
bigBuff [BB] responded to memo.  
BB: ALL THE FIGHTING IS HAPPENING OUTSIDE TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARENT HIDING INSIDE AWAY FROM THE FIGHTING  
waterWitch [WW] responded to memo.  
WW: So just to you, then  
BB: WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK  
WW: This is a public memo jasper  
CK: i would expect this behavior from those clods, but you two are a massive disappointment. just wait until yellow diamond hears about this  
RK banned BB from responding to memo.  
RK banned WW from responding to memo.  
RK banned CK from responding to memo.  
RK: There, no more fighting!  
PP: classy p  
RK banned from responding to memo.  
RK: Would those of us capable of discussing strategy without resorting to childish fighting like to do so?  
SG: awwwww come on pearl, at least give them a chance!!!!!!  
RK: Steven, this game is serious business, we can’t afford to let ourselves get distracted by petty drama and childish arguments. Jasper, Lapis, Peridot, and Amethyst are welcome to respond the memo when they can prove to me that they’re capable of doing so without picking fights.  
FF: How can they prove it if they aren’t allowed to respond? I think that’s a little unfair.  
SG: yeah pearl come on!!!!  
RK banned SG from responding to memo.  
RK banned FF from responding to memo.  
RK: Now that we’ve winnowed the group down to everyone capable of having a mature and adult discussion, it’s time to talk strategy.  
RK: Plainly, it’s not enough to simply kill imps and collect grist. Each of our lands contains unique puzzles and challenges related to our class and aspect. In this regard, our denizens and sprites are meant to serve as our guides.  
RK: My denizens have been extremely difficult to work with, so far. They’re quite disorganized, but give them a little time, and I think I can whip them into shape!  
rubySapphire [RS] responded to memo.  
RS: pearl unban everyone --garnet  
RK: Did you even read the memo? They’re all being completely unreasonable!  
RS: you made steven sad --garnet  
RK unbanned BB from responding to memo.  
RK unbanned WW from responding to memo.  
RK unbanned CK from responding to memo.  
RK unbanned SG from responding to memo.  
RK unbanned FF from responding to memo.  
RK unbanned PP from responding to memo.  
RS: thank you --garnet  
RS banned herself from responding to memo.  
PP: haha classic garnet  
RK: Are you quite finished?  
CK: i can't believe i'm agreeing with the pearl, but we really should discuss some form of strategy  
BB: YOURE OVERTHINKING IT JUST GET OUT HERE AND START FIGHTING THINGS  
PP: yeah  
PP: kill minions get grist  
RK: 'Imps,' Amethyst  
WW: Can we please not have this discussion again  
FF: Focus, people! There are more important things to worry about than terminology!  
RK: Traitor.  
SG: connie's right!!!!!!!  
SG: we need to work as a team so we can worry about the important stuff :))))  
PP: listen to stevie boy  
PP: minions aint gonna kill themselves  
BB: THATS RIGHT I KILL THEM ALONE WITHOUT HELP FROM ANY OF YOU  
CK: its not like you have any other useful skills  
WW: You're going to need some ice for that burn, jasper  
RK: ENOUGH!  
RK: This is exactly what I was trying to avoid!  
SG: everyone please stop fighting :(((  
FF: I'm starting to think we should just have Garnet moderate all of our memos.  
RS unbanned herself from responding to memo.  
RS: no --garnet  
RS banned herself from responding to memo.  
FF: Wait, are you just sitting over there alone reading our memos and not replying?  
PP: ahahahaha classic garnet  
RK: Really, Garnet, I expected more from you.  
CK: shes a fusion this behavior doesnt surprise me in the least  
RS banned CK from responding to memo.  
SG unbanned CK from responding to memo.  
SG: peridot you should apologize to garnet!!! shes really cool and fun and youd get along great if you gave her a chance and just got to know her!  
SG: and garnet you should participate more!!!! i bet your ~*~*~*~FUTURE VISION~*~*~*~ would really be helpful for planning our strategy :))))  
RS unbanned herself from responding to memo.  
RS: it wouldnt --garnet  
SG: why not??  
RS: i can see fates branching paths for every memo that is or could be and none of them are productive --garnet  
CK: then why are you wasting your time reading them  
RS: theyre funny --garnet  
RS banned herself from responding to memo.  
SG: :(((((  
FF: Does that mean we should just close the memo? If it’s not working for discussing strategy, then it’s just distracting us from other things.  
BB: LIKE KILLING IMPS  
PP: minions  
RK: The point of the game isn’t to just kill minions, it’s to explore our lands, complete quests, and defeat the black king! And to do ANY of that, we NEED to strategize!  
WW: You just like the sound of your own voice  
WW: The sight of your own text whatever  
RK banned WW from responding to memo.  
SG unbanned WW from responding to memo.  
RK: That is not only completely wrong, but also inaccurate, misleading, and untrue. If any of you had actually read the documentation I sent out last week, you would understand our purpose here and my position as impartial moderator.  
PP: hey guys lets argue  
CK: i have better things to do than sit here and waste time reading and responding to this memo  
BB: LIKE WHAT  
CK: literally anything  
FF: Instead of getting off-topic again, I think it would be more productive to close the memo and have our strategy discussion in-person!  
RK: A memo is better because it documents everyone’s contribution and preserves the conversation for future reference.  
WW: Yes because this conversation deserves to be preserved  
RK: It would be, if everyone would just listen to me and stay on-topic!  
BB: WHO DECIDED YOU WERE IN CHARGE ANYWAY  
RK: Technically, Garnet is in charge.  
FF: Is she?  
PP: yeah thats a bold claim  
WW: Shes just sitting over there reading the memo and laughing  
PP: also a bold claim  
BB: I WONT ANSWER TO A FUSION OR TO A PEARL  
RK: I wouldn’t have to assume control of the discussion if anybody else were capable of behaving with maturity befitting their status as Crystal Gems! I’m just trying to moderate this discussion and steer everyone towards productivity.  
PP: well i didnt vote for you  
RK: You don’t vote for moderators.  
PP: then how did you become moderator then  
RK: Rose Quartz, clad in the purest shimmering silk, bestowed upon me her scabbard, signifying by her will that I, Pearl, was to be her lieutenant. That is why I am your moderator!  
CK: listen strange quartzes running around on battlefields distributing scabbards is no basis for a system of leadership  
PP: supreme executive power derives from the mandate of the masses pierogi  
RK: Be quiet, both of you!  
BB: HONESTLY I COULD WATCH ANOTHER TWO HOURS OF JUST THAT  
WW: I dont get the appeal  
FF: I don’t get the reference.  
RK: Can we please get back to the topic at hand?  
FF: I’m confused. Is the topic at hand strategy for the game, whether or not to close the memo, or Pearl’s moderator credentials?  
BB: KILLING IMPS  
PP: did you mean minions  
WW: I quit  
WW: Lapis lazuli out  
waterWitch [WW] stopped responding to this memo.  
RK: Is anyone else going to storm off in a huff?  
BB: YEAH IM GOING TO GO KILL IMPS  
bigBuff [BB] stopped responding to this memo.  
PP: im going to go help her with the minions  
purplePuma [PP] stopped responding to this memo.  
SG: we should all go together!!!!!!! like a field trip itll be super fun!  
FF: That sounds like a good idea, Steven! I have to go get my sword, I’ll be right down!  
familiarFalcoln [FF] stopped responding to this memo.  
stevenGuy [SG] stopped responding to this memo.  
CK: i was in the middle of some calibrations and im going to get back to them  
certifiedKindergartner [CK] stopped responding to this memo.  
RK: How am I supposed to have a discussion by myself?  
RS unbanned herself from responding to memo.  
RS: you aren’t --garnet  
RK: You’re no help!  
RS: it was always going to happen like this --garnet  
RK: You could have stepped in sooner! Now everyone’s run off to go slay imps, and we’ll never establish a real strategy!  
RS: pearl theyre called minions --garnet  
RK banned RS from responding to memo.

RK closed memo.


End file.
